Metaphor For Her Heart
by TheoBurr
Summary: One Shot idea I had to just get some Golly feelings out of my system before the next episode. Set after 5x09. Holly got invited to a Peck Party and runs into Gail.


Note: I was like, "I'm going to just write a quick little thing to get some feelings out". Then this happened. Oops.

I don't own the characters, I hope you enjoy, this is meant as a one shot, and now I'm going to go back to writing Campfire Story before people come after me.

EDIT: Fixed Gail's age. Forgot about the 3x02 convo with Nick about Kelley Clarkson.

* * *

This was the first law enforcement shindig that Holly had ever been invited to and just like she hypothesized, she was not a fan. It was just a bunch of pretentious ass kissing and Doctor Holly Stewart was more interested in solid, tangible, fact not playing nice with a bunch of people with self-inflated egos. It was why she never went to office parties or parties with Lisa. If anything, Holly missed the gatherings that Gail would drag her to with her fellow "boys in blue". There was no air of faux grandiose with the other officers of 15.

So, Holly found herself in a corner of the great room, sipping at her second glass of wine and trying to look interested in the conversation of the group of people milling around her. Finally she couldn't take the boring conversation any longer and excused herself to the bathroom. She grabbed another glass of wine on her way and as soon she was safely behind the door, she was downing them both. Holly hated getting drunk but god did she plan on getting enough of a buzz going to stay.

After splashing water on her face and putting her glasses back on, she headed down the hallway back to the great room but stopped when she heard a familiar voice.

"Mom, no. I'm not changing and I'm not staying."

Holly couldn't help herself, hearing the voice she only ever heard in her dreams anymore, she stopped around a corner and peered into the kitchen. Caterers were milling around taking care of the party while Superintendent Elaine Peck and Gail stood off to the side, Elaine's hand on her arm holding the blonde in place. Gail looked amazing in a pair of tight black jeans, a grey shirt and black waist coat with her usual calve high rocker boots.

"This could be good for you, Gail," stated Elaine.

"How? I already know everyone in that room. Normal kids had birthday parties where they hung out with their friends," snapped Gail. Holly could see all of Gail's defenses up in the presence of the intense redhead. "I had parties full of white shirts and M.E.s."

"Inspector Lewis brought his son…" offered Elaine. Holly had only met Elaine Peck a handful of times, like earlier when she arrived, and she had to admit, she was not impressed so far. Gail was hard working and busted her ass despite having everyone try to shove things under her nose. Elaine seemed very much an opportunistic women more than anything else.

"Good for him. I hope they're both having a ton of fun," said Gail sarcastically, crossing her arms over her chest. "I told you to stop trying to set me up."

"Yes, and then you refused to give any indication as to why and expected me to leave it at that." Only a few moments of watching this interaction and Holly was already understanding so much of Gail's abrasive and defensive personality. It all seemed rather justified now.

"And most parents would probably drop the subject, respecting the decisions of their 29 year old."

"What is this? Where is this attitude coming from?" Elaine seemed to step back to look her daughter up and down before moving incredibly close to her face. Gail tried to back up. Elaine huffed. "You're drunk. I thought we were done with that after college."

"No. I'm not drunk. I've been drinking. Big difference," snapped Gail. "And maybe you thought I was done with it, but again, I'm my own person! It's so weird…it's almost like I do my own things. And live my own life. Or try to anyways."

Gail was starting to get louder and Elaine quickly glanced around, missing Holly in the dark of the hallway. The superintendent rested her hands on her hips and looked her daughter up and down.

"Go upstairs, get changed, and try not to embarrass me." With that, Elaine was gone and Holly watched Gail, expecting the blonde to storm out. Until she saw the normally stubborn look on the blonde's face dissolve into one of defeat and compliance as she headed further into the house instead of the backdoor. Holly quietly followed her, still not entirely sure what she was doing. All she knew was she had always felt so drawn to Gail and being in, what was obviously, her childhood home it seemed like nothing had changed about that.

She waited a moment after watching Gail climb a pair of stairs behind the kitchen and followed her up. At the top of the landing, she was shoved against the wall, a hand on either shoulder, and icy blue eyes were suddenly drilling into Holly's.

"You're terrible at snooping, Stewart." The barrier was back up around Gail. Holly just shrugged and pushed her glasses up her nose. She noticed Gail quickly look her over and, with the appreciative look she got, Holly was suddenly really glad she had bothered to get dressed up for this thing.

"That's probably why I'm a doctor and not a detective." Holly offered a small smile. Gail snorted before releasing her grip and moving down the hallway. Not really knowing what else do beside go back down to that incredibly boring party, Holly followed Gail to the bedroom she guessed was hers when she was but a young Peckling. The blonde glanced back at her but said nothing.

"I hate these things," said Gail finally as she opened the door to her room and immediately snatch up the dress her mother had put on her bed and tossed it on top of the trash bin.

"Same." Holly leaned against the door frame and looked around the room. It was not quite what Holly had been expecting. Almost completely bare white walls except for a couple family photos and everything was neat and put in its place. Gail must have seen her looking around.

"I had to keep it like this. The only place I was allowed to decorate was my closet." Gail beckoned Holly over to the door with a head tilt and the brunette slid up next to her as it was opened. All the life and chaos that Holly had been expecting of Gail Peck's room was squeezed into a reasonably sized walk-in closet. Posters, pictures, art, concert tickets and more just covered every inch of bare wall and even parts of the ceiling. Even the inside of the door was an explosion of color and life.

"Hmmm, this explains a lot," said Holly seriously, pushing her glasses up and then running her fingers along her chin. Gail turned to look at her, head tilted and eyebrows furrowed. Holly smiled. "You've spent your whole life trapped in a closet."

Gail groaned and shoved Holly away from her but it was too late, the brunette had seen the smile. The doctor laughed and, feeling a lot more comfortable, sat down on the bed. When the euphoria of the joke wore off Holly sighed and stared at the floor. This was why she'd been avoiding Gail. It's like, the second she was around the blonde, she wanted nothing more than for them to go back to before, when it was all so easy. She threw herself back on the twin bed and stared up at the ceiling, noticing the glow in the dark stars taped up there. Holly wondered if Elaine ever bothered to look at Gail's ceiling.

"I guess this is actually a pretty good look into the craziness that is me," said Gail from the closet. Holly propped herself up on her elbows and tilted her head to the side, waiting for the blonde to elaborate. Gail glanced over at Holly as she pulled a dress off its hanger and saw the questioning look. She walked out of the closet and motioned around her room. "This was all picked by my mother. Everything that might be visible to others and reflect on her is pristine and sterile. Boring. Very, very boring. Then you have my ridiculously loud closet, bursting to the brim with everything I actually bother to think is actually a part of who I am."

Gail walked to the closet door and pulled it open further, so Holly could actually see what was on it even from her position on the bed. Wanting to get a closer look, Holly got back up and moved to the door. Pictures were taped all over it. Gail and Steve when they were younger. A chubby Gail forcing a smile in a picture with her father, they were both dressed up. There were pictures of Gail with people she recognized from 15. Pictures of the gang hanging out at the Black Penny. Pictures of the person she knew to be Jerry Barber. "It's like everyone sees 'Peck'," she gestured to her room, "and I just want to be Gail," she gestured into her closet.

This was not the Gail that Holly was used to and she wondered if maybe the alcohol had something to do with it but she had a feeling there was more. Gail sighed and shook her head.

"Sorry," whispered Gail as she moved back into the small space filled with clothes. More clothes than Holly thought she had ever owned actually. "I've been seeing a therapist. Had an appointment today. I always end up thinking too much and then drinking with Oliver at the Penny while he makes dad jokes and talks about the girls. Came here to pick up some stuff and forgot all about this stupid party."

The news that Gail was seeing a therapist tore Holly between happiness and sadness the same way Gail calling her wonderful the other day had ripped at her. It was good that Gail was seeking help but it was depressing that she needed that kind of help to begin with. Holly bit her lip and leaned against the closet doorframe. Meanwhile, Gail looked down at the dress she'd picked out, made a face, and threw it on the floor. As Holly's eyes fluttered over the cloth on the ground she noticed something tucked in the back corner of the closet and moved passed Gail to look more closely at it.

Holly glanced at Gail who looked divided between stopping her and just letting her go. It was obviously decided to just let her go when the blonde turned back to go through the section of her hanging clothes that was all dresses her mother had obviously bought her. So, the doctor turned back to the corner and inspected the small area that was obviously meant as a little hideaway for Gail. Beanbag chairs and pillows with blankets piled into a nook between two strategically placed shelving unites and pushed into the corner, half hiding it from the door. Holly flicked on the string of Christmas lights that were dangling around the little area and she was able to make out more pictures, a laptop, a large jug of water, and a bottle of whiskey. It had obviously been used recently and Holly wondered if Gail came here after every therapy appointment for her own brand of self-therapy.

Sitting down on the biggest beanbag, Holly looked over the pictures taped to the wall and her heart started to race. Every single photo was of the two of them. She couldn't help but run her fingers over the frozen smiles on their faces, not even knowing how or when Gail had managed to take half of the pictures of them kissing. There were quite a few other ones that she was sure Traci or Steve had taken though because it was the 15 gang and her hanging out at the Penny and Gail refusing to sit in her own seat and insisting on using Holly as a chair.

"Sorry, if it's kind of creepy or weird," whispered Gail, still facing her dresses but no longer looking through them, merely busying her hands fiddling with the fabric.

"It's not," said Holly, looking at each picture and remembering every moment in them one by one. There was one she really liked in particular and she studied it, wondering who had taken it. It was when she went with the gang to have a picnic in the park so Leo could hang out with some of his friends somewhere other than in a room playing video games. Holly was sitting on a blanket under a tree, her legs spread out in front of her while Gail had her legs draped over her lap and they were both just smiling like loons at each other as Gail was putting the grass she's pulled out of the ground on Holly's head.

Holly could feel the tears welling up in her eyes as she smiled looking at it. God, she loved Gail so much and she missed her even more. Gail really didn't know what to say or do with the look on Holly's face so she tried to focus on something else.

"Leo took that." Gail finally managed to speak. She abandoned looking for an outfit and sat on the floor outside the little cubby. It was weird sitting outside of it while someone was occupying the space there but because it was Holly it felt like it was allowed. Weird but okay. Like it was were Holly belonged. "He said he'd never seen me smile so much before. Traci found it on his phone and sent it to me."

"I'd like it too," said Holly. "I mean, if you still have it on your phone."

Not knowing what that request meant for them, Gail just nodded.

"This is where I come to get away from everything," said Gail, picking at the laces of her boots. She had never let anyone in her closet before, let alone the space she'd dubbed her Gail-cave but she didn't want Holly to leave. But she also didn't really know what to talk about so she figured why not talk about herself. Do that whole 'opening up thing' that Dwyer kept telling her to try. It had to be easier in here, right? They were in her space. It was all on her terms.

Except she knew it wasn't. It was up to Holly how this went. How anything went with them. No matter how much Gail was hurting, she knew Holly had to be hurting more. Gail had dived head first out of the tree at the first sign of a problem, not even a good problem, and bolted. Dwyer had pointed out to her how it hadn't been realistic for Gail to expect Holly to pick a fight with a longtime friend over a casual comment said at a bar. The therapist had helped point it out to her by making the comparison of what Gail would have done had the situations been reversed and it had been one of her friends saying bad things about Holly. Gail knew she would have just rolled her eyes and told them to shut it.

"What used to be on the walls?" Holly was still looking over the photos. There was even one that Gail had taken of her in the car the night before they met Rachel and Lisa at the Penny. Holly was sticking her tongue out at the camera.

"Nothing." Holly looked over to meet Gail's eyes. The blonde shrugged and looked back down at her boots. "Nothing ever seemed…important enough before. This was just a place for me to escape from everything outside. It was always about getting away from something. And I was sitting in here one night and realized that running from everything like I always did hadn't really helped before so I went through all the photos of you and just put them up. I can still escape work and my parents, whatever I want. I just. I can't let myself run from everything anymore. Especially the stuff that's my fault."

Holly chose to stay quiet. As much as she had things she wanted to say to Gail she could tell that this moment wasn't really about her. It was about Gail. The blonde had let her into a very private space for her and despite the multitude of adorable pictures of them around her she knew this wasn't just about her. Sure, they were going to talk about them because that's what was most relevant to the two of them. Then there was the fact that no one understood how hard it was for Gail to open up like Holly. Well, and maybe Gail's therapist. So, she wasn't about to stop her. They just sat quietly as Gail tried to gather her thoughts.

"And I don't mean that, or this…" Gail motioned toward the pictures. "…as some creepy thing where I expect you to take me back or anything because I don't. And that's not why I didn't stop you from seeing it because that would be a little psychotic. And if this were a horror movie, this would be the part where I murder you." Holly smiled at the small tangent. "It's just. Everything I've been going through lately, all the changing I've been doing. Having your pictures up reminds me of why I want to be a better person. A better me. Because if, by some grace of whoever, I'm able to meet someone half as amazing as you I don't want to fuck it up again. I don't want to just throw out being happy because I might be afraid."

Gail sighed and leaned over toward Holly. For a second she though Gail was reaching for the alcohol but she watched the blonde pull away the jug of water and take a swig.

"There's not actually any alcohol in there, by the way." Holly picked up the bottle and opened it, pulling it up to her nose to smell it. "It's just more water."

Holly grinned and quickly swallowed a few mouthfuls of water. She hadn't realized how thirsty she was and she wondered how long they'd been hanging out in Gail's closet and whether Elaine was looking for her daughter.

"That's the bottle from the first night I stayed at your place," said Gail. She was starting to find it easier to share things. She was kind of cheating by opening up to Holly though because she always felt like she could tell her anything. "I thought it looked cool."

Holly had to admit that it did actually look pretty cool. It had been a present from someone at work but she wasn't really a big whiskey drinker so she let Gail have at it the first time she stayed over at her house. Another moment of silence. Gail finally pulled her boots off, tossing them over by the door. Holly followed by example and tossed her heels over to the door. She felt a lot better getting her feet out of those. They made her ass look great but they made the rest of her hurt.

"You not talking is kind of freaking me out, by the way," said Gail, very quietly and quickly to her feet.

"It was nice not being the one rambling for once," teased Holly with a smile, trying to put Gail back at ease. She didn't want the blonde to just close up all over again. "I don't know how to say what I'm thinking without sounding horribly cliché and dishonest. So, I'm just going to hope that intro is enough to dissuade you from thinking like that."

Gail met Holly's gaze and nodded to say she understood.

"I'm glad you're getting help," started Holly. "You can't even begin to understand how glad I am that you're getting help. I wish you didn't need it. And it's a little pathetic that part of me hoped being with me was enough even though I knew it wasn't. One of the pesky side effects of being an emotional creature I guess."

Gail grinned and Holly smiled back, glad she'd gotten the desired result from her choice of words. Gail had always thought it was funny when Holly talked like being a human was so terrible.

"What happened at the Penny sucked. I could dress it up with vocabulary and say stuff like "monumental disaster" but what it boils down to is that it was a sucky night full of suck," said Holly. Gail actually smirked for a second. "I was pissed off at Lisa that night, especially when she continued her bullshit after you left and Rachel ended up having to tell her off for me. I'm so non-confrontational sometimes, it's pathetic. And as you ignored me I just got angrier at you. Then I started getting mad at myself. Could I have said something different to make you stay? Should I have ran after you? Then I was mad at you again. So, I started accepting Lisa's stupid blind dates, which all just went terribly because none of them were you, and by the time I saw you standing in the morgue, acting like such an idiot, I just felt so defeated. I literally told you I was seeing someone just so I could avoid looking at you any longer. And then I immediately went to the station when I saw you'd left the thumb just so I could see you again."

Gail was looking at her and the confusion on the blonde's face was practically screaming at her.

"I know!" exclaimed Holly with a small laugh, knowing that she'd made that face at herself in the mirror a few times. "Do you know how weird it is for me to be that emotional? This emotional? Coming out wasn't even half as much of a rollercoaster as this. And now. Now I'm sitting in your gigantic closet, wearing underwear that has been riding up my ass all night, drinking water out of a whiskey bottle, and..."

"Sounds like we're both sort of screwed up." Gail was playing with the hem of her pants again.

"…and there is literally nowhere else I'd rather be at this moment than here with you. Hanging out in your closet cave."

"Gail-cave," corrected Gail. Holly laughed and shook her head. She was watching Gail intently. Any resolve she'd previously had about trying to tread lightly when it came to Gail was slowly dissolving. Everything with Gail just felt right. The weeks spent without Gail were terrible. She even went out for drinks with some officer from 27 just so she could try and find out if the blonde was alive.

"And my favorite thing about right now is that you're actually talking to me instead of trying to flirt your way out of what happened," said Holly. Gail sighed at the memory. "I needed this. I deserve this. I deserve better than the way you treated me that night at the Penny."

"You do." The frankness of Holly's works stung.

"I can see you jumping to conclusions from here, Gail." The blonde looked up to see Holly smiling at her. A sweet smile. The smile she'd give Gail whenever she was being a brat. "I do deserve to be treated better and I'm inclined to believe that you're more than capable of doing that. Especially after tonight. But Gail, you can't just jump from the tree and then not come back to me when I go looking for you."

"I'm sorry. I really am."

"I never thought I'd say this to you, ever, in my life, but you have to stop apologizing," laughed Holly. "You can't apologize and hope that fixes it. Relationships take a lot of work and you have to show me that you're willing to do the work."

Their eyes met again and Gail was starting to feel really hopeful again.

"I would do anything to make it up to you." The way Gail held Holly's gaze when she said that made the brunette's heart skip and she bit her lip. The logical thing to do would be to take everything slowly. Start at friendship again and move back up from there. That would be the absolutely, completely, totally logical thing to do and Holly loved logic. It was a piece of her.

Except when it came to Gail.

"Okay well, let's start with drinks," said Holly. Gail narrowed her eyes at the mischievous smile on her face but made it clear she was still listening. Holly lifted the whiskey bottle up as if in a toast. Despite her confusion at the situation, Gail raised her jug and tapped the containers together. They both drank from their respective bottles and then Holly returned the cap to hers. She leaned forward on the beanbag and placed the bottle outside of the little cave area. "Now that we've gotten that out of the way…"

Holly grabbed the lapel of Gail's coat and pulled the blonde to her, kissing her in a desperate way reminiscent of that kiss in the observation room. Gail melted into the kiss. She got up on her knees so she would be a more even height with Holly and started running her fingers through the other woman's long hair before resting both hands on Holly's shoulders. Neither woman wanted to ruin the progress made that night and pretty much silently agreed to not go further than passionate kisses. Although that didn't stop Holly from letting Gail push her back onto the beanbags and resting her body between the brunette's legs. Gail broke the kiss first and leaned her forehead against Holly's.

"I missed you," breathed Gail, meeting Holly's eyes.

"I missed you too." Holly nuzzled Gail's nose and the blonde smiled.

"I mean, not just this," said Gail with a little head shake. "You're my best friend Holly. I missed you so much. I felt like…like I lost the best piece of me. And there are so many things I want to tell you. Like, I helped McNally get over her shit. And I helped a guy move. Me. Moving things."

"And I want to hear all about those things. Maybe tomorrow. Over pancakes." Holly smiled and pulled Gail back into a kiss. She knew that if she didn't busy her mouth she'd end up blurting out something she didn't want to weigh this perfect moment down with. One branch of the tree at a time. And Holly had to admit it was kind of fun making out in the back of a closet like a couple of teenagers.

"Well, this explains a lot." Teenagers tended to get caught though.

Gail jumped to the other side of her closet and smacked her head into some storage boxes before scrambling to her feet. Holly got up as quickly as possible and fixed her clothes and hair before adjusting her glasses. It had been almost 17 year since the last time she got caught by someone's mother making out with their daughter and for some reason it felt way more awkward at 33. Elaine Peck stood in the door way, looking over both women before tossing the dress that Gail had thrown on top of the waste paper bin at her daughter.

"Your father is here. So is your brother. Get changed and come down stairs." As she turned to leave she shot Holly the 'no hanky-panky' look she remembered from when she was a teenager. "Before the party ends, please."

When they heard Elaine on the stairs they both let out the individual breaths they'd been holding in, turned to each other, and laughed. Although Gail's laugh was filled with a lot more worry and understandably so.

"I like how she looked at me like it was all my fault when I'm fairly certain you were the one on top of me," said Holly. She moved to sit on the bed and put her shoes back on as Gail got changed.

"Holly, she could have walked in on us with my head between your legs and it would still be your fault." Holly snorted. Gail walked out of the closet a second later wearing a very cute, baby blue pleated dress with a scoop neck.

"Much different than what you normally wear," stated Holly, more to herself than to Gail. And as much as Holly loved Gail's usual dresses and their painted on looks, she had to admit that the blonde still looked gorgeous in it. The combat boots were unexpected but honestly, Holly could care less what Gail wore, ever. So long as she was still Gail.

"Yeah, much harder for horny, drunk, old men to find my ass too," grumbled Gail. Holly raised an eyebrow, not liking the idea of anyone but her groping Gail. And that's when it hit her, there she was, already behaving like they hadn't broken up. If Gail thought she was scared about their relationship she had no idea the amount of fear Holly experienced sometimes.

"You can absolutely destroy me," sighed Holly. She took off her glasses and rubbed the brim of her nose.

"What?" Holly looked back up to find Gail watching her from the open door of the private bathroom. Of course Gail had a private bathroom growing up. Holly shook her head before she went off on a tangent.

"It's just…" Holly breathed deeply and let it go, putting her glasses back on and looking over at Gail, meeting her icy stare. "Don't ever feel like you're the only one afraid, okay? I'm know I'm pretty good at seemingly holding it all together but I'm scared. Of us. Because you, Gail Peck, have the power to completely destroy me."

Gail just watched her for a moment before turning back to the mirror and fixing her hair. Holly couldn't read the expression the blonde's face. Then Gail was walking over to her and pulling Holly up so their bodies were pressed together. Holly smirked at the extra inch she had on the already shorter woman since she wasn't wearing heels. Gail just looked at her before wrapping her arms around Holly's neck and pulling the other woman into a hug.

"I never want to hurt you again," whispered Gail to Holly's neck. The hug tightened. "Ever."


End file.
